+SANCTUARY+ //be obscene//

I had this dream last night that really shook me up.

It was set in some sort of chic hotel that apparently someone in my family owned. Think like super modern with a lot of glass and wood detailing. Save for the part of my dream which had a weird video game quality to it (it was like zelda on crack basically), it took place in that bizarre hotel. And most of which was in my hotel room — the standard white beds and minimalistic furniture. (And NO it was not a sex dream kthxbai)

Well, basically there was a male (who will not be named) who decided to ask me to prom, which is weird since we’re not even the same year or anything (yeah bizarre) but somehow in asking me to prom, he confessed his love to me and told me that I was the only one who had truly ever loved him and that he had always taken me for granted. From that point on, we were dating in the dream. I just remember walking through some mall place, hand-in-hand, and then being thrust into some real-life version of half life or something, zombies included. We slayed zombies together. You know that means true love.

It was so odd, though. Because in the dream, I was referring to him as my boyfriend, and in our group of mutual friends, it was just common knowledge that the two of us were practically married. So the dream wasn’t about sex or even mushiness or anything. It was just this glimpse into the structure of our relationship. (One that doesn’t exist at all in real life.) God, how bizarre. Seriously.

The thing that gets me, though, is that I don’t often dream about him. And every time I do, it seems to be some sort of precursor as to what’s to come in our relationship. For example, one time I thought we’d end up together, but I kept dreaming that he was treating me coldly, and it turned out later that he basically mirrored that behavior when we did see each other. The dream was some sort of warning. And this time, this dream seems like a good omen. It seems like it’s urging me forward or something.

And that’s strange, because I’m in a situation now where I feel as though I’ve got to make a decision. But it’s a stupid situation I’ve put myself into, and I know there’s no realistically good outcome. I mean, we live so far away… But still. He and I have changed a lot. We’ve grown. We’re not the people we were two years ago. And at this point, maybe we’re finally able to be together. Maybe the previous heartbreak was just part of the necessary trials and tribulations en route to happiness.

It’s just… the point that he made in my dream. That I was the only one who loved him. I know that at this point in life, he’s feeling rather discouraged as far as relationships go. I know he’s been hurt like I have. He’s sort of sworn off love for a while, apparently. I consulted a friend we both know recently and she told me that he’d need to hear that I still couldn’t get him out of my head. That I was still in love with him. But part of me fears that I’ll just be an annoyance like I was two years ago. That I’ll put myself on the line only to have him feel nothing for me in return. And I don’t know if I could handle the same heartbreak twice. Part of me says I’d be a fool to put myself through that again. Or even run the risk.

But it’s crazy, since for him it seems worth it. My god, the slight possibility of being with him makes any slight risk of heartbreak seem obsolete. Nevertheless, I still don’t feel a hundred percent confident. And if I break anything to him, I want it to be gradually. Or at least in person, since so much is said on the phone and online that can often have no meaning later. Words are just words, after all.

God, if he only knew how many nights I’ve lost sleep over him. And the funny thing is, he once accused me of not truly being in love with him, of not knowing what love is. I’m pretty sure I know. I’m sure that love is something you can’t fall out of overnight and that even after a few years, I still realize that I’d give him everything I have if he asked. And I mean everything: my pride, my loyalty, my whole self.

So, I suppose the status hasn’t changed any. I’m just not hiding from it anymore. My name is Rachel “Faye” Anne Weiser, and I am (still) in love.