+SANCTUARY+ //be obscene//

This week has been unparalleled in terribleness. Not even kidding. I don’t even know where to start, other than to say that thank god I’m feeling strong, since if I were experiencing this same shit during a worse time, I might drive off a fucking bridge, in all seriousness.

Ughhhh. I’m just so tired of things turning into shit. So fucking tired.

So first of all, my mum announces to me on Monday that she’s got coronary disease. Highly progressed coronary disease. This means that her heart is having to work way too hard and is all strained, and that she could pretty much have a heart attack at any time. So her only option really is to have bypass surgery, which is VERY risky, and isn’t guaranteed to permanently fix the problem. So basically, for the first time in my life, I’ve seriously feared losing my mother. If she died… if she died I don’t know what I would do. She’s been my strength and the one who’s held me close when everyone else treated me like shit. She’s given me her unconditional love since I was a baby, and there’s no one in the world I adore more than her. To think she might never be able to see me sing as a professional, or see my children, or their children, or meet my husband… I don’t want to think negatively, but there’s this dismal reality looming in front of me that my days with her might be numbered, and that scares me more than I could ever say. To think I’d taken so much time with her for granted, complained about her, etc… I wish I could take it all back…

Then, on Tuesday, things got worse. Much worse. I found out, in short, that not only did the theatre director (who I thought of as a second father) at my school not cast me in the winter production of Metamorphoses, which I had been DYING to participate in, but he hates me and has been badmouthing me to other students, of all things. I worked my ass off for him — I gave up debate, the discovery program, chorus and ensemble, and really EVERYTHING for him and the theatre department. I thought this year would be my year as a senior, since I’ve given him every year of all plays plus each summer at his stupid theatre intensive camp. I thought it was made. But I had some trouble last year around February, when we were doing Rumours, and I had to miss some practises since I was generally in a really bad place. My parents had gotten divorced, I had just been diagnosed bipolar, etc. It sucked. I thought he understood, but it turns out, he thinks I’m a basket case. And because of that breakdown, I had to drop a second semester course and therefore finish it up in summer school. And that meant I couldn’t go to his godforsaken beloved camp. I told him why I couldn’t go, but I guess he didn’t care. Then, when Ragtime was casted, he gave me a choral part, which he hasn’t given me since FRESHMAN YEAR, basically blatantly insulting me. (Sophomores and freshmen had better parts than I did.) I talked to my college counselor, my mother, the dean of girls, and we all agreed it would be best for me to drop the part, since it wasn’t worth having such strenuous practises when I had to do college applications and had been given such an insultingly pathetic role. So I wrote him a very thoughtful letter, telling him about how I felt, and explaining why I had to drop the part. And it all seemed cool… Or so I thought.

So auditions the other day went well, and I thought I had given a great performance. My fellow actors had even told me that my reading as Alcyone, during which I cried, was beautiful. I thought I’d at least get cast in the rather small cast, since both seniority and my talent as an actor would hopefully reserve me a spot. Well, not so. I was shocked to find out the next day that I hadn’t made the play. And not only that, but people who I particularly loathed who were much less talented than I am DID make it. I was shocked. That coupled with the news about my mother was enough to make me have to go cry in the bathroom during my first period. And this girl I can’t stand came in to “comfort me,” though apparently she went and told the theatre director that I had been weeping it up in the bathroom. he later told some other actor kids that he thought I was a pathetic idiot for crying when I was getting what I deserved for dropping my Ragtime part, and that I should never try out for a play again. Those words hurt more than I can even say. I thought he was like a father to me, and yet, I guess I meant nothing. Not as an actor or anything. I was expendable. And so he’d rather have a bunch of juniors in the play, who still had another year to go and weren’t as mature actors as I am, instead of giving me a chance, because he’s decided I don’t deserve anything. The fact that we can’t try out for the play, but have to try out for HIM is sickening. The dean of girls hates it, and she wants to do something about it. But what can you do, when it comes down to it? It’s just that feeling of betrayal from someone I’ve sacrificed everything for and held in such ridiculously high regard… It’s crushed me.

And so hopefully you guys can understand why I was in no mood to fight with people this week. Having been defeated and having realized that a.) life can be dangerously cut short at any point and b.) there’s enough hate and anger in the world already, so why add to it, I just wanted to wipe the slate blank. I wanted to start over. I’m sorry, to my friends, who were just sticking up for the mess I had started. I’m not saying you did anything wrong. You just had my back, and I love you guys. I just can’t do it. I can’t fight. Do you understand? I’m done. I’m finished. I have hardly any energy left, and the energy I have, I can’t dedicate to negativity. I feel like part of me has died this week, and with all my energy sapped away gradually by all the work I’ve had and going to college and deciding my future, plus dealing with the eventuality that my brother and father are moving to Oregon, and how it’s going to kill my mother to find out… I can’t do it. I can’t.

There is so much drama and heartbreak in my every day life, that I can’t afford to have it online. I can’t deal with instigating so I get called a bitch. Do you understand? I need love and support right now. I need understanding. I’m dying. I swear. I’m so close to just saying “fuck it” and doing something drastic, maybe running away, driving somewhere far where no one can find me.

I don’t know. I just know that I need my friends right now more than ever. And I’m sorry for letting you down. I never meant to. I never ever meant to. I’m just a broken shell of a person right now.

Can you understand? Can you at least try?

I give up. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy your time with your family — you never know when it may end.